Married smoke show coworker who always wears black. Lynx is close to onyx. Another whose looks intimidated me. For practice today, I invaded her cubicle unannounced to talk for 5 minutes. She hadn’t been around in a while (off over holidays and working from home).
Conversation goals. Show up unannounced to practice insertion. Work on leading, framing, and avoiding orbiter communication style.
I have never just dropped in on her to chat. It was an arbitrary, purely social, conversation, but it was not a chat. A chat implies orbiter-style repetition. I will do no such thing with her. I will treat her like a woman who deserves a man’s attention, not a queen or a pal who deserves sexually repressed attention.
Such attention must be sparse to have an impact. If I did this even weekly, I think I’d come off as thirsty. Also, she’s married. No point in trying to make this into more than an experiment.
Orbiters don’t barge. They sidle up, knock, or give advance notice so the girl won’t ever be thrown off. Insertion is the social technique of barging in where you’re welcome. It requires good reading of the person and situation to know this. If you ask, you’ve lost.
Read the situation then take the risk. The more barging you do, the more likely you’ll have a few epic fails. These help you get better at determining when your insertion will be welcomed.
I read well and barged well. She was alone at her desk, working but not busy. Girls in this situation are dying for someone to distract them.
I barged on the topic too. Instead of an accommodating how was your holiday approach, I used an interrogator setup.
“Resolution check. What do we got?”
I sounded more serious than intended and she over-bought the kayfabe. She thought I was doing a real survey or planning to post it online. I had to assure her we were playing. I didn’t want to have to self-negate, but it was necessary so we could play together.
I teased her by putting her on the spot. I got her uncomfortable having to answer to my resolution question. She played along, still with a lingering sense tension (ideal). I led her well. I walked her through some resolution talk. First hers, then mine.
For hers, she mentioned self-care and getting a massage. I told her she was now required to get one every couple of months, a nice pretend standard to qualify her. I also peppered the conversation with other qualifying (like playfully grading her responses).
I maintained solid posture. She has big magnetic blue-gray eyes. Great eye contact. She leaned forward and was bubbly after the nerves subsided. Didn’t uncross her legs, but mostly kept her chair rotated toward me. She put on her mask, as a courtesy. Was this defensiveness on her part? Maybe a little. You can’t win every last body language battle.
I was quick with my resolutions. Socialize more and drink less. She seized on alcohol; wants to make that hers as well. She followed my lead. Excellent. She told me about trying NA’s (non-alcoholic beverages) and not liking them. And we talked about a bar we both know (and knowing a few of the same people).
The topic of a resolution can go many directions. Talking about “real shit” I’m working through, is a terrible mistake. We’re here to play, not to get real. She doesn’t want to know about my struggles. Instead, I made it brief (less drinking) and we jumped into a something playful.
Once we got further into this topic, I said her new resolution would be to open an NA bar. She’d handle the bar and I’d do the management. Now, I switch and we’re playing, but on the same team. This 15 second diversion in the conversation was enough to install an image connoting emotion: the two of us running a bar.
This is also a good push-pull. First I’m kind of her adversary by grading her resolutions. Then I’m her teammate in the image of a fake bar.
I had a nice finisher to the interaction if I say so myself. I told her that my “drink less” would be a transition from craft beer to domestics. And that I’d get around to NA’s later. She said, “oh sure, maybe in May or… ”
I said playfully, “Yeah, I’ll get to the NA’s when I’m ready… Good to see you again.” Then left on a high note. On paper it sounds choppier than in person. She was fully engaged, even with my staccato style.
Who appeared to be in charge? I think me, comfortably.
- Attractive Jerk Score of 7 for putting her on the spot, scaring her a little.
- A nice frame grab (Nixon, not Lynx, will decide when he’s ready for NA beverages).
- Feelings over content. By closing on good to see you and leaving without talking about work, I told her, in effect, “I only came over to play with you.” For context, we are friendly, but this is out of way character for me. After I left, she was not thinking “I should question why Nixon just tried to flirt with me.” If anything, it’s “Wow, I didn’t expect that from Nixon.”
- Left her wanting more.
- Between us, we created feelings (through play) as opposed to processing them (let me talk about my shit, or her talk about her shit).
Takeaway on feelings.
I’m still refining many techniques. My goal is to make each conversation with a woman an adventure. I like my heuristic: my feelings don’t matter, yours don’t matter either, the feelings we create matter.
If a man purges his feelings to a woman, or if she purges hers to him, she won’t respond with desire. Why? I speculate: A feelings dump is cathartic but sexless.
The man is sexually attracted regardless. But the woman must see a man to reach that level of attraction. Unless his physical features are overpowering, she cannot get all the way to sexual attraction if he’s engaged in sexless conversation. Bitching about something or someone, opening up about personal issues, or opining about politics, culture, etc., are all sexless. If the man leads properly, brief detours into sexless topics are fine. But the man must offer a frame (by leading, playing, structuring, etc.) for the woman to hang her gender on.
This is polarity: I’m a man, I’m going to lead you on a brief adventure. As we do, we’ll create feelings. This is sexual because it conforms to gender roles. Whatever it takes to get there, do it. Get in character if you must. Start a fight, play a game, pretend to judge her.
I wrote the draft above right after our conversation. In the two week since, I’ve deliberately kept my distance. I’ll pass by her a couple times a week. I sense just a little more approval in her when she sees me, and I definitely sense her thinking, when’s he gonna do that again? Eventually.