I will nuke my shame in 2022. That is, my social, sexual, and relationship anxiety. In August 2021, I began the proto-stages of a physical and mental transformation. As the new year begins, this effort is in full swing.
These entries breakdown social interactions. Conversation, body language, framing, leading, and related components. All in the service of developing an alpha mindset. Sometimes referred to as game.
They also cover broad observations related to this effort. I’m reading Zero to One by Peter Thiel. This is a Zero to One story.
There is a massive lie in our society: the now stretched-to-the-limit divergence between what women want and what they say they want (along with unprecedented societal forces of distortion). A standard and healthy divergence is necessary for life. It has become so diseased as to create a society full of beta nice guys filled with toxic shame that women despise.
For most of my life I fit the nice guy, orbiter, archetype to a tee. A competent man with a track record of complete failure with women. Mostly polite, easy to walk all over, quietly obsessed with sex, and (until recently) unsure of how to reject this failed just be nice, and if it doesn’t work, be nicer mental model. Nice is a shorthand for be polite and don’t bother anyone, not necessarily kindness.
Too many men like me are riddled with seduction and relationship malware (man malware). Leading us to feeling trapped, and not knowing how or why these patterns of failure repeat. We know they don’t work, but don’t know a way out.
I dedicate this effort to myself, the guys who have guided me, and the guys losing out on life by still believing a set of persistent and culturally pervasive lies about who men are, what men must become, and what women want.
I dedicate this most especially for those like me, who reach a breaking point and become open to another way (and falling down the rabbit hole of game). We experience intense anger, at ourselves and others for having been lied to so egregiously and for having believed it. This lie is in fact a shit-test designed to pre-emptively screen men for sex and relationship opportunities. Hint: the more you believe it, the less they want to fuck you.
This is my recovery story. One experience at a time. Outcome uncertain.
Hierarchy of Goals.
- To fuck.
- To game. To frame. To lead. To read.
- To eradicate self-negation. To eradicate toxic, deluded, and fraudulent attachments. To eradicate covert contracts (ambiguous interpersonal transactions).
- To get comfortable with awkwardness, fear and tension. To improve at staging and kayfabing interactions (gamified socializing).
- Positive interactions all people (family, work, community, etc.).
Kayfabe. Pro wrestling term for maintaining the fictional narrative.
Rule Number One. The market decides.
These are social interactions. I write about developing an alpha mental model. The mindset component of being an alpha male. Terms like self-prioritization, dominant frame, and mental model (among others) convey this mindset I aspire to.
They describe a man. A man that women desire. But if I assert I am alpha, or I have a dominant frame, I will be misspeaking. I cannot have a strong, dominant frame by saying I do. I can only demonstrate them.
A woman’s behavior (and to a lesser degree, another man’s) evaluates the credibility of my frame. I can never deny female behavior, nor argue with it. It is what it is, and it confirms rather clearly: approval of me through feminine attention, or not.
I will be tempted to occasionally redefine an alpha mindset to match some self-serving preference I have. This will be a mistake. I cannot shoot an arrow and paint a bull’s-eye around it. The bull’s-eye is objective: female approval via attention and affection.
If such approval does not accumulate through these efforts, then my mental model (and related efforts) falls short.
This is counterintuitive. A man must not define his life by women. But the primary way he can measure how well he is not letting a woman define him is by how she responds to him. The less a man seeks approval from women, the more he receives.
Having said that, there are nuances.
First, approval comes in many forms. I don’t measure it exclusively by a fucked or didn’t fuck result. A woman’s responsive body language and behavioral cues are rarely overt. I measure for subtle signals more than obvious ones. The sharper and stronger the frame, the better at picking up and playing up these confirmations. There are tons of subtle confirmations on the way to obvious ones.
Second, after the market decides, if I fall short of a strong frame, I must take the loss, learn from it and move on.
Third, although the market decides, I am allowed, in service of building an alpha mindset, I must selectively read all ambiguities in my favor. In other words, if I can interpret a woman’s response to me as confirming my alpha mindset, I must, even there’s an equally valid alternative interpretation.
For example. I recently tapered a shirt to look better on me. When I wore it, a woman complimented me. This is a validation of my effort at attractiveness. Why? Because even if she only liked the color, she voluntarily validated me on an effort to look like a more attractive man.
Selective favorable interpretation is necessary because self-negation is endemic to beta shame. And looking for reasons to discredit my own mindset is like failing a self-inflicted shit-test. When building a strong mindset, every scintilla of confirmation is raw material.
Rule Number Two. Physicality is credibility.
In August 2021, contemporaneous with the proto-stages of re-engineering my social and emotional norms, I forced myself to start lifting weights. Keep in mind that during this process, I became significantly more muscular than I was.
Having a muscular body impacts many social interactions. So much so that for a man, becoming more muscular is its own social skill. And it enhances the effectiveness of other improved social skills.
Wish me luck.