2022.01.10. Moral Reflections.
A lot of themes coinciding as action mounts.
First, despite progress on self-prioritizing (hallmark of an alpha mindset), I suspect I’m still far too agreeable. Having said that, when I speak to women, I have more ease. And I think occasionally with a slight edge.
This reflects moral ambivalence.
Agreeable|Nice = Moral.
Disagreeable|Jerk = Immoral.
Kayfabe provides recovering nice guys with implicit permission to pretend to be an abrasive jerk. This is needed because it still feels wrong to risk actually being one (or even seen as one).
It is a psychological bypass program for dealing with genuine, attractive abrasiveness that feels immoral.
If abrasiveness = uncomfortable; then RUN kayfabe.
Kayfabe(abrasiveness => attributed to a feigned character, not Nixon).
This is just flirting. To varying degrees.
Shame-riddled, intelligence burdened guys have to negotiate their way out of their intellectual impulses with concepts like this. But however described, people committed to making this change get into the arena and do it.
Example. This morning I motioned a woman to come over to me, then told he let it was “her turn…” I waited for her to be confused, then did my what’s your name? explanation (a little kayfabe spike of feigned abrasiveness). She enjoyably played along and told me her name.
This woman used to scare the ever-loving shit out of me. I felt her become magically less attractive as I spoke to her. She’s very attractive. I used to fixate on her ass. I still do … sort of. But by speaking to her without the pedestal I placed under her ass, I saw imperfections that I previously mentally blocked. Not because I felt hostile toward her, but because they were there.
Morally difficult to act like a jerk.
* * * *
Second, still I apologize for self-prioritization and poon hunting through my writing. I have yet to fully kill this desperate impulse to come across as a nice guy. I write transparently about wanting to fuck. But I couch it:
“I’m doing this as an experiment only because being a nice guy failed and I’m forced to. I don’t want to be a jerk to women. I want to see if it works. If I get sex, it will only prove that the guy I was before this is morally superior because he treated women better. Please believe me, I’m otherwise a good guy.”
This is an emotional travelogue. Man’s Search for Pussy. That’s what it is. But I perform robust mental gymnastics trying to explain how it’s actually Man’s Search for Meaning. As though it can’t be both.
The part of me that insists on exploring morality reflects that I’m still compelled to apologize for wanting to get laid. Something God programmed me to do.
Ironically, the shame I used to feel about this was identical pre- and post-conversion to Christianity. So I don’t even have Christian shame for wanting sex. I have toxic beta masculinity shame.
I don’t want to apologize with my writing. I may explore esoteric or moral topics. But I aspire to never use them as a fake apology for acting on my God-given capacity for sexual desire.
Morally difficult to desire like a man.
* * * *
Third, the grimmest truth of actual intersexual dynamics is that you have to be all-in. A man cannot learn just enough about the real dynamic to achieve his prior naïve ideals. Those ideals were corrupt. They were bred from the same lies that cause the man so much frustration by misrepresenting intersexual dynamics (which he believed).
A man can’t red-pill himself just enough to attract the One, then revert to the mindset originally idealized her and still keep her. It doesn’t work that way. He can’t go back.
I feel this pull. I’m starting to live out a new mindset. But I feel that voice of beta idealism saying “you’re doing it for us.” The “us” being the idealistic approval-seeking good guy inside me (who thinks he’s still in charge).
He clings to presumptive moral superiority. He believes he’s only sullying himself with intersexual reality just enough to marry for love. And that the opposite must be immoral because it falls short of his love ideal.
Morally difficult to reject idealism.
* * * *
In all three, I fight against a nice-guy insistence on the superiority of … being nice. This insistence is approval-seeking behavior. Man, it’s hard to kill. But kill it we must.
As a nice guy, I worshipped pussy. Now I want to hunt it. I want pussy and I want to make myself into a man who gets it. God will judge me. And I was a fool for thinking he’d judge me more favorably because I believed in the moral superiority of my idealism.
Women despise beta-idealized (“morally superior”) love so much that they refuse to knowingly propagate it.
Shouldn’t this tell us something?